This is the first message I read on social media this morning:
The light in me thinks the light in you is FREAKING AWESOME- Namaste
That’s a nice thing to read to start your day. And it’s a nice thing to feel. I certainly feel that way about other people, and I say it to them without hesitation, although perhaps not in those exact words. I keep reading, hearing and, on occasion, even saying (silently) the same thing about myself. But actually getting myself to say the words out loud in front of a mirror, for example, is not quite as easy as saying it to others. In fact, it can feel a bit forced. I know some of you have mastered this, but many of you know what I mean.
The question is, why is it so hard? Is it because like many people I am my own worst critic? Is it because I know where all hidden blemishes are and in which closets the skeletons are hidden? Is it simply a matter of conditioning from an early age, same as many people, that I’m nothing special, that I should aspire to being normal (whatever that is)?
The quiet voices inspiring me to be myself were drowned out by the (scarily) IMPORTANT people in my like parents peers and teachers. My feelings were strong, and meant a great deal to me, but growing up in the middle of the 20th Century, of course that had to be conditioned out of me. If any parents are reading this, I can assure you that one really good way to screw up your kids is by training them to deny their feelings, that they are wrong, or that they are unimportant in an effort to “help” them achieve normality.
Young people don’t need any encouragement to feel like there’s something wrong with them. Despite trying to “be normal”, and keeping my real self to myself, I knew I was doing a terrible impersonation. I gave myself bad grades for my performance, and let others do the same. With 20 20 hindsight, all I can think now is what a waste of time and misplaced effort that was. I was denying who I was, my own inner power, and leaving myself a boulder of a block to my inner being that, years later, I was still chipping away at. As a result I was missing opportunities right in front of me to reveal and regain who I was.
So what does any of this have to do with the King of Cups? Well, it’s me isn’t it. I feel like my past experiences, what I probably had to go through to “get it” (and I’m still “getting it”) has led me to a point where I feel like this card is challenging me today. You get your heart abused enough over the years and either you are going to shut down or hone a certain degree of empathy. In all honesty, I’ve probably had a bit of a yin yang relationship with those two extremes in the past, and for a long time the former overshadowed the latter, which would pop up now and then for a while until I told myself it wasn’t real.
That was then and this is now. For the last several years I’ve been excavating myself, my real being, from beneath the debris of decades. Now I’m a loving and caring daddy, leader, healer, and counsellor at least to my family. Self confidence in who I am as a heart-centered, spiritual, intuitive and empathic being has grown gradually over the last few years.
When I saw this card come up this morning I saw a challenge. Not to be the more like the King of Cups, but to own being the King of Cups. To stop saying “I’d like to, but” and start saying “I am”, believe it, live it. Because you know what, I am freaking awesome.
And so are you.